or how to maintain a martyr status

When I am angry I do not care about anyone else except myself! Well, not quite true. Actually, I care very much about getting that person back. You know... the one who made me angry. In my mind, I can devise ghastly tortures. Mean words and cutting phrases hurl themselves against my vocal cords just wanting to escape like racehorses at the gate. It seems there is nothing I want more than the sweet dessert of revenge. It would be so sweet like pure whipped cream. But the funny thing about the cream is when it hits the stomach, it curdles if not downright sours.

Revenge can be like that. It seems so satisfying and right at the time. Yet later it can be so sour. I remember so many times I spoke harsh, cutting, hurting words. More than often they just spilled out in response to someone who hurt or offended me. Usually, at those I love the most. Sometimes at a person I have never met. Many times that person deserved it. Usually, the good taste of revenge was short-lived.

What do I accomplish by it? My own satisfaction for a moment? I can make an enemy of a friend. I need friends, not enemies. When I attack someone or attempt to point out their flaws they become defensive and self-righteous. They do not listen to me nor do they take my sage advice. They usually look at me like I'm the one who is crazy and give a smart comeback of their own. Then we are off to the races in an argument where we both end up the losers. This was how I lived most of my life. Until I heard that Peace is greater than Justice.

There are times when I am so very angry and I don't know why. Like last night when I went to work. I have been working 15 days straight and this was the sixteenth. I am tired before I begin. I do not want to put up with any nonsense but I encounter it at every turn. Do you ever have days like that? There are things in my way, items are missing or were not ordered in. I spill something on the floor and feel the hot flame of anger rising inside my stomach to my chest. "Stupid idiots!" I scream inwardly, but I know I am screaming at myself as well. Close to tears, I pause.


Unloved and unwanted in a world of strangers

I pass through and no one sees me

I would care if only someone cared for me

I would love if someone would love me

Walking thru life I find many excuses to be in pain

I am weary and worn

So tired of my own righteousness. ​

I have a small tape player. Digging it out of my stuff I put in a praise tape and flip it on. In moments I am singing and praising God. There is the funniest peace in my heart. Suddenly I am in tears which puddle in my eyes and fall to make splotches on the floor. I feel loved and it hurts almost as much, perhaps a bit more than feeling unloved. I feel so unworthy that any kindness brings me to tears.

It is most difficult to maintain my martyr status. There are those who would try to snatch it from me. Oh, they are slick... yes sir, they are crafty. A kind word... an act of love... a caring attitude. But I am on to them. I work very hard to ward off all such things so I can be a real martyr and not just imaginary. I have suffered all of my life and I am not about to give it up now. So stay away from me so I can suffer just right.

© copyright 2021 h mark taylor

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